舞-RiCEBOKS

What is love?

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 13:52:46 GMT

What is love? (Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more)

Lately I've been giving thought on who is important in my life. I credit a lot of people, but it's those who I haven't known in my 22 years that I owe a lot to. It hasn't been long, but the familiarity is already there. Of course I owe my family for being there for me, but they're family and will always be there. To those who haven't been with my all my life, you never know if they're going to go another way or not. That's what I fear in life after making a great relationship with someone. I look back on this year and look at the friends I've made. I'm saddened by many, but I'm more happy with the few who have stuck with me regardless of happenings. It's those people I thank for me being here right now.

I'm not special, I'm not the smartest guy in the world, and I'm not exactly the most social person. When someone says they need me, I'm glad to help. When someone says they talk about me to their friends and family, I feel happy being recognized. When someone gives me unconditional love ... how else am I supposed to feel?

I'm content with the friends I have because they care about me and I care about them. I love them dammit. I may have stronger feelings for some, but the love is all the same.

This brings me to something else: why do I still feel lonely? I would say that it's because none of these friends can be with me physically, or can't be near me due to the distance we are from each other. Is it that? There's always that distance barrier between us, even to my closest of friends. I don't like it, but it can't be helped. If I could be with any of my friends (if they'd have me) I would be there in a heartbeat. I don't get to hang out with anyone much, other than my own dad, my cousins and Nenn (which can't be done T_T thanks for moving to San Diego :P), so I don't really go out much. And heck if I'm going to go out by myself. I mean..that kinda sucks. >.>

Ah, I don't know. I'm losing my train of thought here. I'm happy with the people I know, and I know they're happy with me.

And dammit, I love you all. And I hope you all love me ...

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 23:17:35 GMT

I close my eyes, an endless dream awaits
I open my eyes, another nightmare comes

I close my eyes, good things come
I open my eyes, bad things plague me

I close my eyes, needing eternal peace
I open my eyes, I see that day too far off

I close my eyes, wishing I could open them
I open my eyes, wanting to go back to sleep

Yeah...

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 07:11:25 GMT

Heh, since I'm such a weirdo, instead of editing my last entry, here's a new one!

Yeah. If you can read the bottom, the top means the same thing. :P Just something I did earlier today and I'm quite proud of the picture I took of it. XP ... I'll upload/show the full picture later, though it's just ... mostly what I wrote.

...yeah. A wholesome entry for a wholesome...uh, I don't know. o.o

...it's not..me..is it?

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 05:08:41 GMT

I'm only going to say this:

Holy shit, she did...!

Man... what went wrong?

*shrug* Ergh.

Depression = creativity?

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 00:52:21 GMT

I get the most creative when I'm depressed, I guess. :P

Yeah, I kind of got inspired by Clazziquai Project's album covers. I was starting to vector one, but I kind of gave up haha. Oh well, I'd rather come up with something more original.

I need to get lost

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 00:56:28 GMT

No, not the TV show. -_-

Yesterday, when I was driving home, I lost myself in Clazziquai. I can't seem to lose myself in Japanese music anymore, so I'm turning Korean at the moment, heh. I need heavy stuff.

I get lost in music, especially if it's something I enjoy listening to. "Twin Dragon" from the Nodame Cantabile (Live) OST comes to mind. Others include bits and pieces from Kanye, random classical music (like Adagio for Strings), to the technotronic pieces on the Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex OSTs. I could put on some Nujabes stuff from the Samurai Champloo OSTs as well; I just get lost in the most dramatic of musics. Hmm, does that make sense? I don't suppose it does, it's hard to explain.

I guess it depends on me. Actually, looking at what I just typed, most of this doesn't make sense to me.

*shrug*

I've been having an off day, despite my session with the psychologist. I told him everything, or at least what I could tell him in 40 minutes. :/ I wish appointments weren't a ~month apart, a weekly basis is my kind of thing... Which is why I confide in tons of people around me. I just expect too much, I guess.

I'm thinking of skipping school entirely now. I just don't have the will to do anything anymore. Call this a low point in this depression, it is, but I need time to think and be alone for a while. I just want to hole up, think, and get lost in my music.

Ah, who am I kidding. No one reads this anyway. :)

It's that time again

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 08:23:34 GMT

I just realized that this is the time where I get real depressed for no apparent reason. As I was walking out of Fry's (skipping class) with my Pokemon Pearl and Perfect Blue DVD, I had a grin on my face. Then I thought about it for a minute and realized what time of the month it was. It's less than a month before school officially ends; people cramming for exams, people scrambling to finish papers and projects. And I'm just sitting back, relaxing, thinking about the other shits in my life.

She'll notice this, I know. :P I've been on Gendou a shit-ton lately. Gendou? It's an anime music site I moderate. With all the pain associated with it and this whole situation I seem to be in, why stay? I have many reasons, most of which are beyond my understanding. On one hand I'm there to be my old self. On the other hand, I'm there to do my job and keep my presence known. -_- ... ;/ Whatever. I'm there because I have nowhere else to go, nothing else to do.

I don't have to be there, right? But I do have to be there. It's all contradicting. :/

And she kind of didn't ignore me for once earlier. Made me feel a little better... Heh, damn. And I downloaded music by a Korean artist named "Mina" as well. She's actually pretty good, in my opinion. :o ... We'll see, right? ...I miss her, a lot. What I'd give to have it all back. :\

"Don't try to cover the whole sky with the palm of your hand." (Click for the meaning)

Hm, let's step back a bit, before I skipped class.

So I got to school, found parking right away and started to study and do my homework for my music class. I was getting through the first page when it all hit me again. Kathryn, Kathryn, Kathryn -- every time I looked at the damn paper, I wanted to write her name. Why? ... She plays piano, she took music theory, I was doing Circle of Fifths/Fourths homework; see the connection? I couldn't stand it, so I turned the key and drove out to Fry's to get my damn game. Before that though, I tuned to m-flo + Clazziquai's "Love Me After 12AM" and listened to it all the way home (20 min drive, 4 min song, 5 times? :P)

I dunno though. I don't know why I kept thinking about her so much. I kept saying 'damn, dammit, what the fuck?' to myself. Why am I subjecting myself to this 'torture'? Thing is, I don't consider it torture... I just have this wishful thinking kind of mindset, that everything will be better real soon and I don't have to feel so apprehensive about shit anymore.

Oh Pete, you need more drugs.

Nah, I don't really. And I'm allowed to up my dose this Wednesday, so we'll see.

You know how bad I feel when she says stuff in chat and I can't say anything because I'll be ignored? Do I care too much? Do I want to help out too much? What's wrong with... me?

Like I said... I miss her. Bueno, Adventure Time, RSL, House, Alba, Nodame, all that. It's hard to go to Nenn and say "OMG DID YOU SEE WHAT HOUSE DID TO WILSON!? LOL" since we don't talk like that. :P It's hard to play Alba when you don't know anyone else who plays. It's hard to just... everything. And it's hard ... "finding the next one."

Complicated feelings, complex thoughts, things out of the norm; that's me.

Hm, I should write more. But I'm sleepy. :( Xanga, here I come.

Yep

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 18:10:10 GMT

Back on Prozac, for the time being. And I have an appointment with a therapist this coming Tuesday.

Yay?

I'm just glad it isn't a month from now...

Prozac.

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 18:00:06 GMT

Two years ago I was on Prozac. And I was pretty content with my life... Then I stopped taking it and 2006 became this shittiest year ever.

So what to do about it?

I need Prozac again.

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 04:40:19 GMT

Heh, time to end this torment.

Okay...

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 15:36:58 GMT

The last entry was... somewhat incoherent, at least by my standards, I guess.

What I was trying to make sense of is how much grief I have been through for the past couple of years.

First, let's tackle the definition of 'grief.'

intense sorrow caused by loss of a loved one (especially by death)

something that causes great unhappiness;

The Wikipedia version:

"Common to human experience is the death of a loved one. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement often refers to the state of loss, and grief to the reaction to loss. Losses can range from loss of employment, pets, status, or possessions, to the loss of the people nearest to us. While different bereavements may have different circumstances and intensities, nearly all involve some similar processes."

I felt that I lost something; I felt that something inside of me died. This is why I took this rejection so hard, and why this is affecting me like this. Some people can get through it quickly, but for me things last a long time. When people can forgive and forget, I can't put myself to simply forget anything. Is this all understandable?

It's not easy to understand... It has been a couple of weeks, but it still feels like yesterday. Everything, to me, feels like yesterday because I treasure moments like those. Why am I so emo? ... It's taking me a while to move on... that's all it is.

It may not be a big deal to a lot of people, but like I said, this is me. My thoughts and actions are mine, and as unreasonable as it may seem, this is how I cope.

This.. just sucks like..shit.

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 03:09:19 GMT

This is going to be a real sad and depressing post. This is the only way I can make people understand why this is such a big deal to me. If you don't read this... then you won't understand me. If you don't understand me or if you don't want to try to understand me... then stop acting like nothing happened; or you can try to make me... feel like I'm worth anyone's time.

The reason why I'm so depressed, and why I can't seem to get over it... is because I've just been kicked back into grieving status.

What does this mean?

While most people would just get over it over the course of a number of days, or a week or so, I can't easily get over things. Unless something really good happens in my life.. I just keep trying to climb out of the hole that I started into many years ago. I'll admit it: I live a life full of regret. It's not the best thing to say, and a lot of people don't like that.

But I cannot help it.

After my mom and brother were killed in that accident, I thought I'd be able to change for the better. Why do I say that? Because I had a strong realization that, before they were killed, I had not done many significant things with my life. So I started going to school again, taking one course. While it did help to propel me out of some grief, when I started taking more courses the next semester, I was held back again.

Why?

I tried moving into things too fast. Grief is to be overcome with time; to try to force things to move at a quicker pace, it can hurt. You could say.. a quicker pace only gives limited satisfaction. Things you work on in the long run has more benefits.

So.. let's go to my situation.

I've been trying too hard to try and get better. I've also been trying to do things too quickly. It doesn't work that way in my mind, but I thought I would try it anyway. It's only made my situation worse... and it also put distance between me and someone. I hate being this way, I honestly do. But you can't just expect me, after all the things I've been through, to get over it just like that.

Why do I have to pile everything on top? Why do I have to say things like, "after all the things I went through" and have it relate to this?

Grief comes back in many forms, and this was one of them. I took this rejection real hard because I thought I was building something good for a better tomorrow. But what did I say about a quick pace? I did things too fast... and I was expecing a great deal out of it, but instead, I crashed and burned.

I expected too much, built something out of nothing, and I let my heart get in way over my head. And that is all..my..fault. I reacted very negatively and did things I regret.

Why? Why why why why why why why can't I just go back to 'normal'? Why can't I appreciate and see that others are trying to make me feel better? Why can't I just be accepting?

It's ultimately the most difficult thing for me to do. It's not about letting go, no; It's more about how I deal with letting things go. I have many conflicting thoughts, many of them are one-sided. I think about everything and everyone seemingly involved. It's these thoughts that put me through a lot of shit. I think about things, I go back to think about other things and I let it take control of me. I even become irrational over this.

So why can't I just... not think?

I can never stop thinking... I can never stop thinking about everything, good or bad. But being a grieving person, taking things in small steps is the only way I can heal. When I say that... I let thoughts go at a much slower pace. It's the only way I can cope.. since I'm just me, and I'm alone, sitting here.

So, Peter, why are you saying all of this? Why do you want to make people understand? Why do you have to say.. so much, even though you expect very little to come out of it? I mean... does all this matter?

Why? ... This is the only way I know how... to deal with things. I'm not saying all of this to change anything, because I know things will not change. I just want people to understand who I am before thinking otherwise...

If you don't understand me... after all that I've said here, ... then I'm sorry to have wasted your time.

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 05:18:44 GMT

It's almost been a month, eh? Nah, I didn't take any pictures like I said I wanted to. Not much has gone on this past month besides having another gout attack and staying home (playing a lot of video games) while nursing myself back to health. I was also able to see Pierre (he came up for last week) and saw Ate Kathy on Sunday (during the birthday bbq for Auntie Cynthia).

I also feel like crap for not getting Temara a card for her birthday. :( I'm going to mail her one tomorrow, if I have time. Thursday at the latest!

Yeah, I spent my time typing all that above so that I could get to this point. In just about 12 hours I will be turning 21. My plans?

-Hope to get up early
-Get my dad to wake up :P
-Pick up Adelyn to go to lunch with us (driving separately? not sure yet)
-Go to TODAI for lunch
-Either hang out at the mall with Adelyn or just drop her off and head home
-Wait for Adelyn's parents to come home and decide where to get dinner
-Then dinner at some restaurant .. somewhere .. anywhere :P
-Get home, do my usual routine (more on that later)
-SLEEP

It used to be just waking up early, getting lunch at Mountain Mikes Pizza (for the lunch buffet), then see dad off to work and cook up a big batch of spaghetti for dinner. I realized the other day that I would get a free meal at Todai for my b-day and Adelyn told me Auntie Cynthia wanted to treat me for dinner.

XD

Yeah.

Pictures? Well, sure! If I get to take some. :)

(Oh, about the 'routine' ... it involves checking out the forum I'm a moderator on, playing BF2 or Infantry, checking TokyoTosho every hour, and listening to music over and over)

Tue, 30 May 2006 06:05:20 GMT

If I have the will to, I'm gonna go around and take pictures of stuff tomorrow. I hate being alone and holed up in this house. I gotta get my ass outta here for the sake of my sanity.

Don't know how far or where I'll go, but I'm sure it'll be anywhere outside of Antioch.

Wish I still had my bike too.. Fuck the person who stole it last year.

Thu, 25 May 2006 08:40:05 GMT

I screwed up, end of story.

Fri, 19 May 2006 20:08:37 GMT

Yeah, updated teh SmugMug with STL pics. I didn't take as many as I would've liked, but there's still a lot. Er, unfortunately, not all are pertaining to the fiesta ... ^^;

http://massiveboks.smugmug.com

Mon, 15 May 2006 07:14:41 GMT

Frickin A. I keep forgetting to update my LJ and shit. ASDGAsdgasdgfdhajdb;s.

Anyway, just came back from Missouri a few hours ago. Why'd I go there? FOR THE SANTISSIMA TRINIDAD ... Fie...FIESTA! I was about to add a 'no' there, but uh, -- never mind.

I had a pleasant time.

...Pleasant??

Haha, okay okay, I had a good time, I guess you could say. Most of it was talking with my dad, but hey, a good time nontheless. And sorry for not talking to you much Madette, I just wasn't sure what to talk about at the time. D: But thanks for dragging me out for some dancing. XP I also thought more people would be attending (from allllllllllll over, and I mean ...ALLLLLLLL over...), but I was mistaken and it turned out to be an average sized celebration. Okay, okay, it was a nice-sized one. 100 people? That's either too much or just a little under.

There was mention of another 'site' (website) being built for our .. "organization." All the time Ate (is it okay to say that? :P) JenJen was talking about it, the more I kept thinking about how many people would actually visit it. It's a real good idea and all, but considering the age of most of us 'members' (read: hmm..old..), it might not be that good of an idea if the Internet is not one with our people. While I praise the idea of a website for our 'organization', I still think we need a lot more members to make it worthwhile.

And blah, blah, blah.. I don't want to sound like a hater because I really do enjoy going across the US to another state to celebrate our hometown's feast day. It's just that we need to do a lot more work to make every year more njoyable and much larger than the years before. :o Next year uncle Denny will be taking the reigns, so I already know what kind of things to expect. :D

Oh, yeah, I'll upload pictures later, when I have the chance. I still have a lot of shit to worry about before school ends.. bleh. =.= I didn't take as many pictures as I wanted too, so I may do it soon..

Just can't wait til next year. XD

Waha

Mon, 01 May 2006 19:51:38 GMT

Awesome! Someone in the library has a Totoro ringtone! XD

It's actually this girl at a table next to mine. Should I take a sneak shot with my camera? Uhh, no, I won't do that .. I'm not like that. o.O

And yeah.. back to HW! >.>

Smug Muuhhhg

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 19:25:36 GMT

I finally was able to upload pictures here at school after a few days of network failure. -.-

Anyway, here's the link:

http://massiveboks.smugmug.com

The most 'updated' galleries are in the 'Featured Gallery' section, just to show ya'll what I uploaded recently.

ENJOY!? :D

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 19:23:42 GMT

So I'm watching Ray.. no, no the movie with Jamie Foxx, I'm talking about the newest anime based on the manga, Ray.

Anyway, I'm finishing up the third episode right now... and, well... It doesn't follow the manga very well! Okay, maybe that's too harsh, so for now..

Ray Manga > Ray Anime

I just want more to come out, because I want to hear the voice actress that is Ray. SO DAMN CUTE, SO SO SO SO SO SOO S DAAAAMNNNNN CUTTTTTEEE!

I will also give note that it is the same actress who does Shiho's voice in Mai Hime/Otome. XD

Yeah, that's all I wanted to talk about. I'm going to be updating my SmugMug tomorrow if the Internet in la biblioteca is fixed.

Yep. Now it's time to sleep! -_-

Kind of forgot to post this. :P

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 23:33:57 GMT

I wake up today, finding my PS2 on, and go about my business.

Few hours pass by and I get something to eat.

I go back to playing my PS2 and I hear the motor of a motorbike humming about. But the sound is all too familiar with me. Oh, I know what it is! It's a pocket bike! You know, those little annoying motorcycle-looking pieces of shit?! The kind parents let their kids ride, even when they know the dangers of it, or may be even ignorant to that!

Well, you know what I did to their pocket rocket?

I WENT OVER AND SMASHED THE THING TO PIECES!

Okay, okay, it would've been 100x cooler if I did, but I called the police instead.

Anything to keep that crap away from my court and to keep those kids safe.

CAN WE SAY PETOWNED? >D

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 00:17:05 GMT

Happy Easter guys, and don't mind my last post. :P

I still think Adelyn's crazy though. XD

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 10:28:57 GMT

ADELYN HAD A DREAM THAT MY HAND WAS BITTEN OFF BY A DINOSAUR, THEN I GOT A NEW ONE AT A RIVER. THEN I WENT CRAZY, AND THEN ADELYN'S MOM CUT MY HAND OFF AND MADE IT INTO SALSA. SHE THEN THREW IT AWAY

C'MON GUYS, TELL ME MY COUSIN ISN'T CRAZY!?

WHAT DO YOU THINK ROY? MEL? ANYONE ELSE?

ADELYN WHAT'S WRONHG WITHIASHGA OTYUY YOU YOU OPSAGOHAS;,KLNXZCVKJNZXC.,MERS!!!!!!!!!!

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 05:06:56 GMT

Holy Week is this week and I wanted to do something special for it.

And that's studying until I'm just about caught up with my online class. I vow not to leave the library or school until I've finished all that I could do for that day. I'm also considering not picking up Adelyn on Thursday and going somewhere just for this vow. I was also thinking of not skipping any class on Good Friday, but I have to head to mass, and I'm not sure when it is... Besides, holy day of obligation, I don't really want to do anything school-related on that day.

I'm hoping to get catch up to at least half-way through, leaving Spring Break for the other half. Heck, I hope to get done with 3/4 of what I should have done and leave the rest for Spring Break. But I don't know if that'll happen, knowing I'll only have 4 days to do it "all". :p

And I think I should lock up my computer; it came with keys to lock the side and front panels so that no one could steal anything inside or turn it on.

Hmm, hmm.. oh, and I'll be heading to bed early, I hope.

And..hmm.. can't think of anything else, I suppose.

...

Whatever. :p

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 20:33:27 GMT

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

New Bleach OP is just whgetyqpw98 gyhasigd AWESOME! I'll tell you the truth: I loved the songs for the previous openings, but the video wasn'tBleach enough for me. This new one just takes the cake and reminds me why I like Bleach so much. Last time I had this feeling was with the Asterisk OP. Now we have this OP, and done by Beat Crusaders to boot! XD I love it!

Now for the new ED... The song is unique, and to me it there's some Latin flavor mixed in. The animation is OK... Rukia's and Unohana's face look .. weird. Again, I see some Latin flavor in it; you can't tell me they look Columbian or something. :P But yeah, the song is on the same lines as Houki Boushi (don't ask, but if you do I will explaaaaain), same with the video.

Hmm hmmm hmmmm, makes me want to watch the fillers now.

Should I? o.o

Yeah, I will. With Adelyn, maybe. :P

NOW FOR KANJI CLASS.